Why I Sometimes Don't Feel "Latina" Enough

  If you didn't already know, I am half Brazilian on my father's side, so I am Brazilian-American. My parents met in the 90s in Martha's Vineyard after my father had left his home in Minas Gerais, and they had me in 2001. Their relationship didn't last, and I live with my mother. Because of this, I wasn't surrounded by Brazilian culture in my everyday life. I lost touch with it especially in middle school, when I didn't have as close of a relationship with my father anymore. Once we reconnected in high school I really got to experience my culture more, but it still left me feeling insecure about my identity.

    I've always been proud of who I am, and the culture I have been apart of. I love Brazilian food and music, and I think Portuguese is a beautiful language even though I cannot speak it entirely. If I could easily ignore the comments others have made about me, I think I would feel completely confident in who I am, and I wouldn't be embarrassed that I don't understand every single aspect of my culture, but I have always been someone to internalize what others think of me. From an early age, I have heard people say nasty things about Latinos. When I was in 3rd grade, we talked about what cultures we were apart of. I went to a Catholic school with primary Irish and Italian-American students. I told a close friend of mine that I was half-Brazilian because my dad was from Brazil, and her response was, "My parents hate Brazilians." Obviously, this was a horrible thing for a kid to hear because, at the time, it made me feel like my being different was a bad thing.  I felt "othered". I felt like I wasn't really apart of my peers, and they couldn't understand me. Sometimes I still feel like that. 

    Now don't get me wrong. I don't think I really look that different from a majority of my peers that I went to elementary, middle, and high school with. My skin is white, and I have never faced racism that my nonwhite classmates have experienced. I just felt different because culturally I didn't connect with a lot of my peers and friends, and even part of my own family. I was told a lot that I didn't "look Latina", and this is overall just a very ignorant comment Americans often make because our school system doesn't teach us that Latinos are not a race. Latinos can be of any race. As long as you have descended from a Latin American country, you are Latino. Because I had lighter skin and blue eyes, I was often told I didn't look Latina, because some non Latinos expect all Latinos to look like Jennifer Lopez. People were constantly trying to say I looked like I descended from various European countries, which was upsetting. I never really expressed how bothering it was and I wish I had. I don't want to be told I look like this or that European ethnicity when my actual ethnicity is from a South American country. 

    So, I heard a lot from my peers that I didn't stereotypically fit what a Latina was "supposed" to look like, but I was also hearing comments about me not understanding the culture that made me feel insecure and like I couldn't possibly be who I thought I was. My dad often picks on me for not fully understanding Brazilian culture and for acting too "American", even though he was the one who was supposed to pass the culture down to me! My cousins have made jokes that they see me more as American than Brazilian, which is fair enough because they are actually from Brazil, but I can't help but wonder if I had grown up with two Brazilian parents if they would say the same thing. I don't always know words for certain Brazilian foods in Portuguese because I haven't been told. I have felt like because I'm not fully emersed in my culture every single day, that I'm not Brazilian-American enough. 

        I'm not ashamed of who I am, and I will always love my culture. I wish I didn't have to defend myself every day from ignorant people who want to make me feel like I am less than I am, but there will always be people who want to invalidate who you are. It's important to not let them have that power over you, and still continue to enjoy your life the way you want to. 

Art by Bicicleta Sem Freio